In about exactly one and a half days' time, I will be married. People keep asking how I feel, whether I am excited or not. Frankly, not really. Mark and I have been tired and busy with so many things to wrap up, it seems. Right now I think my poor dear is still working out the logistics list at home, while I am preparing some of the things we need to bring.

I am 10% excited, 10% happy, 50% tired, 10% nervous and 20% sad. About there. Sad because I will have to leave my family, but right now trying not to think about that. Besides, I think I have been crying enough the past few months and weeks over the issue that now I feel it is time to stop crying and be brave. The little girl in Yinny Finny (my family's nickname for me) has to grow up, as all girls do. Besides, as Feng says, I am hardly leaving them. After all, our new flat is only 10 minutes' drive away and a half hour walk down the canal. The happiness comes in short waves, especially having ALL my family members reunited here for the wedding. I feel much loved, especially since I have never been the one to demand to be in the limelight. It feels rather strange. I am 10% nervous about tripping and falling down the aisle in my 2 1/2 inch shoes and long, heavy train.

Am I happy? It's really not so much about happiness, I feel. Yes, I think it is exciting, all this wedding flurry and I must admit I love the pretty dresses I will be wearing :). What I can say, though, is that I have been 100% peaceful and calm. It seems to be a quiet determination I have acquired, when I look across the room at Mark, that this is indeed the man I have found to spend a lifetime with and He is the very one God has intended for me. Of this we have been sure. And thus the peace that comes, through it all, the happy, sad, exciting, nervous, tired times.  The blues, pinks, purples and maybe even greens.

And so when I say the vows I have been memorising, and I hope I don't forget! I will say them with a quiet and joyful acceptance that this is the path I have chosen to take, it is a solemn and serious commitment to last us a lifetime, and it is God's will so that we will learn to love one another with a love that can only come from the true Lover of our souls, and that in doing so our lives will reflect His glory and the love He has for all. May our wedding truly testify of His love.

We spent a few hours at Mama's niche in the Garden of Remembrance last Sunday, 2nd December 2007, Mama's first death anniversary. The afternoon light gently fell, casting Mama's niche in a heavenly glow, her beautiful picture reminding us of all that she was. My godma Jee Ee read a passage from Thessalonians encouraging us not to lose heart, as we will soon all be together with the Lord. Then my mother read her tribute to Mama, and we all wept at the section when she said she wished Mama had been there to know that Chen my youngest sister had gotten into Medicine, and that my sister Shen and I were married. We ended the memorial service with a rousing rendition of "Be Thou My Vision".

Time has flown, but the memories of Mama remain clearly etched in our hearts and minds. And grief, though not as piercing as when it was still new, remains just as real. All the more so for me as I often imagine Mama being there as I prepare to get married, her smile lighting up the room as she hears of all the preparations, my gowns, Mummy's cakes, and of course the jewellery I will be wearing that day.

I know Mama would have loved to be here and I often wonder what God's plan was in taking her away just before Mark's proposal and the wedding preparations. But I know my Mama is dancing a waltz in heaven, and she will be one of the main people on my mind as I walk down the aisle. I certainly hope I won't trip, as that would not be befitting of the legacy of elegance and grace my dearest grandmother has left behind :) I hope I will walk with my head held high, just as my dear cousin Wayne has shared in his blog about Mama, in order to make her proud.

My mother and cousin have put up beautiful new tributes in Mama's blog. You can view them at http://gwekcheng.wordpress.com/.

Mark and I were overjoyed last night to receive notification that we will be collecting the keys to our flat on 3 Dec Mon, less than a weeks' time! Praise God as we had actually expected the date to be a little later, perhaps in the second week of Dec.

My best friend Feng said she is so excited for me, that I will have a home of my own... and it is true, it does feel like a real adventure knowing that this house will be all yours, a place you bought with hard-earned money and a place to call your home.

Mark and I want to start off well, this new place we will call home will prayerfully be one in which we build with love and in which God's presence will dwell, and we want to open it to be a place in which many will be blessed just by being in it, sharing fellowship, food and prayer.

It's been a really exciting though tiring journey, deciding on tiles, wallpaper, toilet bowls, mirrors, you name it... almost like playing Sims on the computer, except that from Monday onwards we will get to see our concepts turning into reality.

So do pray for us, that the renovation will go smoothly in the midst of all the wedding preparation. A month to go, and I'll be walking down that aisle... Thanking God for the peace that has lingered so strongly in my heart, and I know He will be in control in the weeks ahead. May our house be built on the Solid Rock. All other ground is sinking sand :).

Haha. Can't believe I've come to this but Mark and I are looking for a renovation contractor and so I thought I'd ask the online community if there are any recommendations. Our criteria - good price, responsible & thorough :) let us know! Thanks much! :)

Well it seems some time since I've written - part of the reason is I've had no time to sit down, another part of the reason is that I really have been unable to sit down upright in a chair for the past week. Got an inexplicable pain in my lower back which began over the weekend and continued to worsen, till when I attempted to step out of the gate on Monday to go to work, my shaky legs would not carry me out the door. So I hobbled back into the house, and there I have been since... except for a "drama" visit that night to Alexandra A&E with Mark and my mum, where an x-ray could not detect what was wrong, but I will be going to a specialist tomorrow.

The doctor gave me a week of MC, and I ended up at home - very unexpectedly, and with the most unpredictable way of spending the week of my birthday, unable to stand or even sit upright without waves of pain shooting down my spine. Well, with each passing day it has gotten slowly better...till today I can finally sit up awhile to check my email and type this blog.

I have learnt very much these past two weeks that He is a God who gives and takes away. Blessed be His name! I have always thought that this was a scary verse, but then the one who said it was a godly man who had gone through many scary things - Job.

God has been so good to Mark and myself. The day we got our flat, my dearest little doggie Lady died. We had to put her to sleep as she had been suffering from fits for two days and I knew it was time for her to go. Nevertheless, I was very sad. She had been with us for the past 13 years. It still seems strange when I look out into the porch half expecting her to be there resting in the shade, but she isn't. And just a few hours before we took her to the vet to put her to sleep, we paid the first option for the flat.

It was truly a day of deep sorrow and great joy, all at the same time. And as I shared with my best friend FS, indeed it was a day of something ending and a new life beginning. We are very excited about our new flat. Can hardly believe it's ours - it really is everything I would have wanted. Overlooking the canal, not too high up a floor (I'm afraid of heights), lovely airy bedrooms and renovation mostly all done...

There have been many endings and beginnings in my life recently, and many more to come with our marriage soon. And God has been so good to provide me with many good things in the new beginnings. I think He knows I'm not very good at adapting to change. There's been so much good in the old, and because He is faithful, there will be so much good in the new. At the same time, I always ask myself - if God were to take any of these good things away, how would I respond? I am glad that for now I am still able to answer, His will be done... a very scary thought, but we are learning to approach the gifts our Heavenly Father gives us with open palms and open hearts. Blessed be Your Name, O Lord.

Preparing for the wedding is easy, from my point of view. It involves a lot of fun and an incredible amount of spending, both of which are always easy to do. Nowadays, it seems that the first question people ask me is, "How is the prep?" Sometimes I even stop and stare for awhile, wondering to myself, "Prep for what?" till I realise what they are referring to.

Of course, these are all really lovely & sweet well-meaning people, and there have been many offers to help, and Mark and I are overwhelmed by how blessed we are by the community around us. There is, however, a much deeper issue which I seem to be facing right now, which is "How prepared am I for marriage?" And that is much harder to answer because it does not involve what colour the linen should be at the banquet, or how much we should be spending on flowers, or how our wedding video is going to turn out.

I wrote the poem on surrender  I just posted before this entry, in the midst of deep questioning. On the psychological scale of stressors, marriage is among the top 3. It involves a total decision to lay down one's rights and to put the other first. It involves swallowing one's pride and constantly admitting you have done something wrong, or simply do not know what to do any longer. It involves leaving one's family and people whom you have been with since you were born, to take that leap of faith into someone else's arms and life. Most of all, and that is where I often feel I struggle most, it involves having enough faith to know that the person you should  be trusting is not your future spouse, but rather God. For in Him all things hold together. And He knows our akareeth (our end).

And so I continue to struggle. I feel the weakest I have probably felt in any one area of life. And I know that the growth in this period of my life will be the steepest, but also the deepest and the fastest. I know that God is anchoring me in Him alone.

And although I still tear when I think of how I will have to leave my family - those who know me know just how close I am to them - I am slowly coming to terms with the fact and facing all that it entails, with God and Mark by my side. Yes, I know God will have to come first, and then Mark. And then my family. And I know in time I will witness all that God has intended for marriage to be, as it was in Genesis in the Creation order. And I know I will experience what it means when God looked at the man and the woman, and said it was very good. And I know it is worth it, because when I think of Mark, I know there is no one else I would want to travel this difficult and yet extremely full journey with - though it can sometimes be painful, it is always very good. 

Marriage was never meant just to make us happy, but to make us holy. - Gary Thomas "Sacred Marriage"

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. - Jim Eliot

The roads are suspended in time, lost

They know not where to turn

At each intersection the terrain unfolds.

It is an arduous journey.

But if one were to turn the head, glancing over the shoulder,

A realisation of a holy nature, a divine origin would dawn,

That they had not been alone all this while.

Companions from time past, a time before time.

And if one were to scan ahead into the dark night

One would realise

They are not alone.

The roads seem to know where they must bend.

The occasional gritting of teeth, the refusal to move,

Soon gives way to a spilling over into the vast horizon

Where the rubber meets the road

And there is no divide between earth and sky.

04/08/07, 24/7 WEB Prayer Slot

 

Welcome to my new abode! This is where I have been spending much of my working hours hanging out with the boys and girls in my school. I think I have been extremely possessive of this room tucked away in a corner of my new school, where I started work more than a month ago as the full-time counsellor. I think I am especially proud of it as I "fought" to have the room, inherited a room full of boxes and tables, evacuated it entirely and went to IKEA, given full reign to decorate it any way I wanted.

As a result, I do feel a good sense of peace and satisfaction stepping into the room. The kids love coming to see me and sinking into the comfy sofa or drawing on the blackboard easel. They love the cheery colours of the rug and pillows. I wanted it to be a safe place, a place they can come to from respite from the world outside, an often stressful and threatening place for a child from a broken family or one just trying to cope with the many pressures children nowadays have to face. The kids who come to my room often have been treated with little respect from the world outside. Their self esteem has been battered on every side, and it can take me several sessions with some of them before they can finally admit that there is some hope, a spark of cleverness or uniqueness in themselves.

I have been enjoying myself in my new school. Yes, often tired, sometimes overwhelmed by the intensity of the cases I have to handle, but grateful to God for such a warm environment, supportive school management, lovely colleagues. I am much blessed :). In time I hope to grow this little room to be a real helping place, a place of healing - the healing that only God can bring to broken hearts and broken lives.

Mark and I have been very amused at the great response to his blog on the wedding :) guess not many husband-to-bes blog about their wedding experience, and I must say I am extremely proud of him... he's done a good job not just "tolerating" all the prep, but much more than that we've been really enjoying it each step of the way! Despite the rushing around and the constant thinking and talking through of the preparation process, we have really benefitted from it in terms of knowing each other more and doing things together :)

The funniest thing so far is the way we have both been making purchases for the wedding... or should I say, rather, how HE has been making purchases for the wedding! Take our bed linen example. I was talking on the phone to my best friend while we were in BHG (Seiyu) walking around the linen section. I saw a pattern I liked and pointed at it, just to tell him I thought it was a nice pattern... and before I knew it, Mark was lining up at the cashier buying it! He thought my gesture had meant that he should buy it. I thought I was just telling him we should look at it. So that's how we ended up with our bedsheets. Which I do like, by the way :).

But the most amusing thing is that it happened again today! We just wandered into a furniture shop in IMM and ended up looking at a lovely set and a dining table set as well. While the salesman was drawing out the proposed plan for how the furniture would fit into the house, I decided to go to the restroom. When I returned, Mark had already paid the deposit for both sets! He thought that I had told him we should get it but I somehow don't remember saying that at all :). But once again, I do like it and I'm fine with the purchase.

People whom we have been telling this to have been very amused. I don't know what else we'll end up buying in my absence :) maybe a jacuzzi tub? A whole new kitchen? Who knows... and someone even remarked to us today that it's good I'm amused by this and not upset instead... but to me, I am grateful as once again it reflects our different styles of decision making.. I am the kind who likes to explore every single alternative before making decisions, and he is the kind who will make them much more easily on the spot. I am grateful because if we did things my way all the time, we'd still get things done - but much more slowly!

We're grateful because many things for the wedding are falling into place. Most important to us was the theme for the wedding as well as the key verse, and we believe God has been speaking to us about this as well... will be revealed eventually, once we have sought Him that this is what He really wants us to focus on in the ceremony and also in our marriage, a lifelong commitment to an unchanging God.

Link

Today was one of the happiest days I've had in a long time. Didn't expect graduation to feel this way - being my usual more pessimistic self ;-), I was expecting more to feel sad, because today marks the day where it is all finally over. My grieving process for the last few weeks has been sad but good :) I have been tearing many a time throughout the many "lasts" - last counselling class in SBC, last theology OT3 class, last SOTE chapel... last time I may see many of the wonderful people I have met, some returning to countries where life as a Christian will be very difficult for them. I will miss seeing my classmates everyday.

But when I walked into the auditorium with the rest of the graduands in the processional - my heart was filled with a deep conviction and a sense that I will move forward into the future, it is an exciting one and I am able to say with all my heart that I have finished this part of my journey well, by God's divine grace.

If anyone were to ask me to summarise what my past two years in Bible College have been like, I would probably do it in 3 points. Firstly, it  has been a journey of knowing God more. In the last chapel, we sang the song "Knowing You". It goes like this: Knowing You, Jesus, Knowing You, there is no greater thing; you're my all, you're the best, you're my joy and righteousness And I love you, Lord. It was significant because my theme verse for the year is "All I want is to know Christ and the power of His resurrection." Phil 3:10 There has indeed been no greater joy than to delve in the riches of His Word and no greater peace and fulfillment than to know my God more. I could study His Word forever!

Secondly, I would say that the past two years have been like an extended retreat for me. Who could have the privilege of working and studying alongside such godly men and women, whose lives are broken and poured out for God, full of compassion and the greatest humility even though many of them are pastors? And who would have the chance to sit at the feet of such knowledgeable lecturers and professionals, who live out what they teach in their lives by being, not just doing. I have learnt in the past few years that being is much more important than doing, and I have also learnt to go about my days with an inner restedness and much peace and joy. Now it's back to the working world where people will be far from easy to get along with, armed with the tools and "weapons" I have acquired to continue fighting the battle for Him. I will miss my classmates dearly, though! The consolation is we will meet again one day, if not in this world then in the next.

Lastly, this graduation has been the most meaningful to me out of all the ones I've had (this is my fourth!) My mum also said she told Mark that this would be most meaningful for me, and it is true. It is because I have never taken such a leap of faith before, and indeed, as I shared in a blog entry two years back, I jumped, and God caught me in His infinite grace. I have experienced grace upon grace in my time in SBC, none of which I take for granted. He has continued to provide my family with financial resources despite our difficulties. Has has kept each of us healthy and together in Him. He has blessed me so much through my ministry as a teacher and a youth leader. He has given me Mark in my life, and granted me a new level of self awareness through many of the counselling courses. He has provided resources, time and energy for me, each time I worried there would not be enough. I was very encouraged to receive the Counselling Award this past week at chapel. To me, much more than good grades, it is a testimony that He is faithful.

So thank You, Lord Jesus, for all You've done in my life, and all You're going to do. I know that the God who is faithful in the past is faithful in the present, and will be faithful in the future. Thanks for a beautiful graduation day, Lord! We were blessed with doubly good news today that my sister Andrea got into medicine. Well done, dear! I'm so proud of you :) know God will use you mightily for His glory and His plans for you are perfect :). To top off the day, my godma Jee Ee treated us to a fabulous Teppanyaki dinner after the ceremony. I was looking forward just to the time spent together as a family, having fun - we went to eat gelato after that for dessert. I really love my family! And I love You, God. Thanks for being a beautiful God :)

Knowing You, Jesus

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres, and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now, compared to this

Knowing you, Jesus
Knowing you, there is no greater thing
You're my all, you're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love you, Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know you more
To be found in you and known as yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All-surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh, to know the power of your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings
To become like you in your death, my Lord
So with you to live and never die

Graham Kendrick
Copyright © 1993 Make Way Music

Today (Mother's Day) marked the day Mark and I finally finalised our wedding reception venue at Mt Faber SAFRA, a nice restaurant called Pioneer Spring, at a very reasonable price and near to the church venue which we have tentatively booked, Grace AOG. For me it was the end of a long, long search and many phone calls made by my mum and me. We are very much at peace in our hearts about the decision :) 

God has continued to be faithful and good even when we are faithless. He has provided us with a church venue we were very comfortable with, even from the start, and very nice people we have encountered in the whole process. Also grateful to my mummy for all her help in calling :) was hard to finally get her out of the house and for Mark and I to treat her to a Mother's Day meal, but she finally relented! We treated her to a meal at Potter's Cafe at the same venue, which we realised was our church member Uncle Larry's cafe. Very yummy and generous portions :) blessed Mother's Day, Ma. I really thank God for the example you've given me of how a godly woman, wife and mother can be, one who is secure in her identity in Christ :)

Mark and I continue to be overwhelmed by the love and support our family and friends have shown us in the wedding preparation. So many offers of help on so many occasions and in so many ways! Thanks to all of you :) you represent God's grace and love in our life :)

It has been almost two weeks since Mama passed away. On Saturday, we will visit her niche for the first time. In this time, my family has been so grateful, to all those who have shown their love to Mama and to us in so many ways - in attending the wake and funeral, in sending beautiful flowers, and wishes and prayers. We are most grateful to our God, for He has been here every step of the way. He is a God who is close to the broken-hearted.

It is funny how even Mama's death has been an important platform for lessons in the journey of life for me, as I am sure it has been for my family as well. I am still grieving, something I ignorantly thought I should have finished with last Saturday, which marked the first week after her passing away. I was filled with such a heaviness of spirit the whole day which I could not explain. Though Mark was leaving the next day for a week-long working trip, I knew that though I would miss him, it could not explain my lowness of mood.

It was only when I was in Mark's home, helping him pack, that I suddenly realised how much I missed Mama when he asked me if he should get presents for anyone while he was on the trip, and I almost asked him to look out for something for Mama that I felt the great loss once again. I have realised I need to give myself time to grieve. Mark told me that it was important that I cry whenever I need to cry, and not to hold it all in in my attempt to be strong. I am sure this experience is the same for my other family members too. While we do move on and laugh and find joy in things, I am sure, especially for my aunts and uncles and my mum, there have been times where we just miss her so much - simply because, as my uncle's friends so beautifully put it in Mama's blog, she had filled such a huge space in our hearts that has now been left empty. She loved us completely and with her whole heart. And we who are left behind will always feel the emptiness, especially acute when we remember the good times with her, just how she would say things to us and just how much she loved us. So grieving must be done, and in God's own time.

King Solomon, the wisest man on earth, said in his book of love poetry that "Love is as strong as death." Song of Songs 8:6. In Hebrew, it translates to love being as strong as sheol, or the grave. Mama's death has shown this to be true. In fact, true love goes far beyond the grave.

Mama taught my whole family something very important about love. I suppose we knew it all along, but it is only when a person is gone that you can start to sense the legacy he or she has left behind. So many people said they were blessed even just attending the wake and funeral services that my family conducted for Mama, something people rarely say at a funeral. Mama's wake was as full of laughter and joy as it was of tears. People watched a video, which Mark helped to assemble the night before Mama passed away. It was a tribute to her life, and for Mama's old friends it was truly a "Celebration of Life", as the video and service were so aptly titled, as they remembered the wonderful person Mama was and the fun times they had had with her. Many were moved to tears during the worship time and as we sang some of Mama's favourite songs. God was truly present with us.

And best of all, we could celebrate because of that deep, deep assurance that Mama was not in that body resting in the coffin - that was only her earthly shell now remaining. Mama had gone to be with the Lord. No more aches and pains, no more inability to move around as she wished. Indeed, that is how Mama took her last breath. As one of my aunties was praying, and we all happened to be in her room - no one was out, or in the toilet, or anywhere else - she asked God to take Mama to be with HIm and she told Mama to let go and go to God, where she would be able to soar on wings like an eagle, something she'd never have been able to do in her earthly body. And Mama took her last breath and left us, and we all knew she had gone to be with her God.

I have always feared death, I must confess. My past experiences with people I loved dying have not always been pleasant ones. I have even feared going too near a coffin at a wake, or seeing the body resting in the coffin. Mama's death has taught me something of eternal value. I feel it was God's way of showing me truly what it means to know and believe in Him. I now understand much more what John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whosoever should believe in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life." Having the privilege of being present when Mama passed from this earth to be with God, I can now see that for Christians, death is only but a step from this world into the next, to be with our loving Creator and Lord. I have realised that eternal life does indeed start right now! We are already living in the eternal. And so there is nothing to fear in death. It merely marks an ending of our earthly life and thus a continuation of our present life in Him, except much better - to a place where He will "wipe away every tear from our eyes".

I cannot explain how much I now have this assurance and comfort in my spirit because of what God has graciously taught me in this time. I know Mama has gone to be with Him, and now I can even look forward with anticipation to death because it will mean being reunited with Mama, and most of all, with God. So Mama has left her legacy to us, in life and love, but even in her death. I can only hope the legacy I leave behind is as great and as precious as the one she left to us. It is a legacy of loving so completely and selflessly, the way she loved her children and grandchildren. And the way in which she loved life. And the gracious way in which God chose to take her to be with Him. We are truly grateful.

***We have a blog for Mama, where you can read more of her life. It's at http://gwekcheng.wordpress.com/.

My grandma passed away peacefully yesterday at 11.08 am. Here's Mark's blog reflections on Mama and her life.

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I'm in the midst of assignment week and exams... seven more papers to write and a major exam this Tuesday! But I want to say that God has still been so faithful. And to thank so many for their prayers along the way :). I've been reflecting on this semester that's coming to an end before I want it too... if only it'd stretch a few more weeks to give me time to finish my assignments! It's been the toughest semester yet. But as I reflect I want to thank God - for pushing me out of my comfort zone. This semester has been tough primarily because I've had to study things that I probably would never have chosen to study in my Christian walk. Apologetics is something I've thus far avoided like the plague - and straining my mind with the doctrines of salvation and predestination have never been my cup of tea. Yet I think God knows. The main reason I went to Bible College was because of a desire to deepen my 20 over years of walking with Him. And here I am, faith being confronted, boundaries being pushed, called to persevere... and I realise I want to thank God for all this. Because I've learnt in this semester to surrender my studies to Him, like I have not had the chance to do in the first two semesters, as I was doing well and taking it for granted. I am reminded of the reason I am here, in seminary, and of the awesome privilege it is. I still pause in OT class and thank God for what I am learning from Job, Ecclesiastes, from my lecturer and classmates. And as hard as studying Systematic Theology 2 is, I have realised that though my faith was tested somewhat in the process, it has affected the way I see God in worship - in a good way. I can truly praise Him for His attributes, for His divine work on the cross. When we sang "Blessed be your name" today in worship, I felt I understood more now the context of suffering in which Job said those very words. I have also learnt to trust Him completely, with no "buts" or exceptions. I want what I have learnt to still impact my life and ministry in a real way, and I truly need God's help to continue to keep my focus on Him in my studies, and not on the theology alone. I need His help today and tomorrow, as I study for the exam on Tuesday, and finish all my assignments. I will continue to need His help the rest of my life, to keep me close to Him. I really want to thank my Saviour and Lord, the One who lives, loves and calls us, with so much gratitude in my heart, as this term comes to an end. He who has called us is faithful. Ok, back to studying now. :)