Preparing for the wedding is easy, from my point of view. It involves a lot of fun and an incredible amount of spending, both of which are always easy to do. Nowadays, it seems that the first question people ask me is, "How is the prep?" Sometimes I even stop and stare for awhile, wondering to myself, "Prep for what?" till I realise what they are referring to.

Of course, these are all really lovely & sweet well-meaning people, and there have been many offers to help, and Mark and I are overwhelmed by how blessed we are by the community around us. There is, however, a much deeper issue which I seem to be facing right now, which is "How prepared am I for marriage?" And that is much harder to answer because it does not involve what colour the linen should be at the banquet, or how much we should be spending on flowers, or how our wedding video is going to turn out.

I wrote the poem on surrender  I just posted before this entry, in the midst of deep questioning. On the psychological scale of stressors, marriage is among the top 3. It involves a total decision to lay down one's rights and to put the other first. It involves swallowing one's pride and constantly admitting you have done something wrong, or simply do not know what to do any longer. It involves leaving one's family and people whom you have been with since you were born, to take that leap of faith into someone else's arms and life. Most of all, and that is where I often feel I struggle most, it involves having enough faith to know that the person you should  be trusting is not your future spouse, but rather God. For in Him all things hold together. And He knows our akareeth (our end).

And so I continue to struggle. I feel the weakest I have probably felt in any one area of life. And I know that the growth in this period of my life will be the steepest, but also the deepest and the fastest. I know that God is anchoring me in Him alone.

And although I still tear when I think of how I will have to leave my family - those who know me know just how close I am to them - I am slowly coming to terms with the fact and facing all that it entails, with God and Mark by my side. Yes, I know God will have to come first, and then Mark. And then my family. And I know in time I will witness all that God has intended for marriage to be, as it was in Genesis in the Creation order. And I know I will experience what it means when God looked at the man and the woman, and said it was very good. And I know it is worth it, because when I think of Mark, I know there is no one else I would want to travel this difficult and yet extremely full journey with - though it can sometimes be painful, it is always very good. 

Marriage was never meant just to make us happy, but to make us holy. - Gary Thomas "Sacred Marriage"

It has been almost two weeks since Mama passed away. On Saturday, we will visit her niche for the first time. In this time, my family has been so grateful, to all those who have shown their love to Mama and to us in so many ways - in attending the wake and funeral, in sending beautiful flowers, and wishes and prayers. We are most grateful to our God, for He has been here every step of the way. He is a God who is close to the broken-hearted.

It is funny how even Mama's death has been an important platform for lessons in the journey of life for me, as I am sure it has been for my family as well. I am still grieving, something I ignorantly thought I should have finished with last Saturday, which marked the first week after her passing away. I was filled with such a heaviness of spirit the whole day which I could not explain. Though Mark was leaving the next day for a week-long working trip, I knew that though I would miss him, it could not explain my lowness of mood.

It was only when I was in Mark's home, helping him pack, that I suddenly realised how much I missed Mama when he asked me if he should get presents for anyone while he was on the trip, and I almost asked him to look out for something for Mama that I felt the great loss once again. I have realised I need to give myself time to grieve. Mark told me that it was important that I cry whenever I need to cry, and not to hold it all in in my attempt to be strong. I am sure this experience is the same for my other family members too. While we do move on and laugh and find joy in things, I am sure, especially for my aunts and uncles and my mum, there have been times where we just miss her so much - simply because, as my uncle's friends so beautifully put it in Mama's blog, she had filled such a huge space in our hearts that has now been left empty. She loved us completely and with her whole heart. And we who are left behind will always feel the emptiness, especially acute when we remember the good times with her, just how she would say things to us and just how much she loved us. So grieving must be done, and in God's own time.

King Solomon, the wisest man on earth, said in his book of love poetry that "Love is as strong as death." Song of Songs 8:6. In Hebrew, it translates to love being as strong as sheol, or the grave. Mama's death has shown this to be true. In fact, true love goes far beyond the grave.

Mama taught my whole family something very important about love. I suppose we knew it all along, but it is only when a person is gone that you can start to sense the legacy he or she has left behind. So many people said they were blessed even just attending the wake and funeral services that my family conducted for Mama, something people rarely say at a funeral. Mama's wake was as full of laughter and joy as it was of tears. People watched a video, which Mark helped to assemble the night before Mama passed away. It was a tribute to her life, and for Mama's old friends it was truly a "Celebration of Life", as the video and service were so aptly titled, as they remembered the wonderful person Mama was and the fun times they had had with her. Many were moved to tears during the worship time and as we sang some of Mama's favourite songs. God was truly present with us.

And best of all, we could celebrate because of that deep, deep assurance that Mama was not in that body resting in the coffin - that was only her earthly shell now remaining. Mama had gone to be with the Lord. No more aches and pains, no more inability to move around as she wished. Indeed, that is how Mama took her last breath. As one of my aunties was praying, and we all happened to be in her room - no one was out, or in the toilet, or anywhere else - she asked God to take Mama to be with HIm and she told Mama to let go and go to God, where she would be able to soar on wings like an eagle, something she'd never have been able to do in her earthly body. And Mama took her last breath and left us, and we all knew she had gone to be with her God.

I have always feared death, I must confess. My past experiences with people I loved dying have not always been pleasant ones. I have even feared going too near a coffin at a wake, or seeing the body resting in the coffin. Mama's death has taught me something of eternal value. I feel it was God's way of showing me truly what it means to know and believe in Him. I now understand much more what John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whosoever should believe in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life." Having the privilege of being present when Mama passed from this earth to be with God, I can now see that for Christians, death is only but a step from this world into the next, to be with our loving Creator and Lord. I have realised that eternal life does indeed start right now! We are already living in the eternal. And so there is nothing to fear in death. It merely marks an ending of our earthly life and thus a continuation of our present life in Him, except much better - to a place where He will "wipe away every tear from our eyes".

I cannot explain how much I now have this assurance and comfort in my spirit because of what God has graciously taught me in this time. I know Mama has gone to be with Him, and now I can even look forward with anticipation to death because it will mean being reunited with Mama, and most of all, with God. So Mama has left her legacy to us, in life and love, but even in her death. I can only hope the legacy I leave behind is as great and as precious as the one she left to us. It is a legacy of loving so completely and selflessly, the way she loved her children and grandchildren. And the way in which she loved life. And the gracious way in which God chose to take her to be with Him. We are truly grateful.

***We have a blog for Mama, where you can read more of her life. It's at http://gwekcheng.wordpress.com/.

There were many tears in the chapel last Friday when one of our first years sung this as a part of her testimony. I love this old song by Twila Paris.It's strange but Bible College is full of tears - there are always struggles to deal with, God's grace to rejoice in and amazing testimonies of how God provides. This is what I love best - wounded soldiers will hopefully make the best soul healers.

If you sat in the Friday chapels where the testimonies of all first years are shared, you'd be amazed. We have amongst us ex-gangsters, drug addicts, suicidal and depressed people, people from broken families, friends who have recovered from near-fatal illnesses, all studying to become pastors one day soon. I am not making a bad name for my college - I feel it is an amazing testimony of how God calls people and changes their lives completely. I am always humbled and awed.

Last week was a difficult one for me. I was very sick, and had 3 assignments and a quiz to do but felt too ill to do them. Plus a whole lot of tuition sessions, some of them which turned out very unpleasant. Am so grateful for Mark and my family's support to have finished it all. :)

I must admit there have been times this term that I have not been sure if I can really make it through and finish my course, and yet when I hear testimonies from my classmates of how they came to Singapore from their home countries not even knowing if visas could be confirmed or without knowing how they would even be able to pay the fees for this semester, I am humbled. I am even more humbled to hear of how God provides in answer to their quiet prayers of faith, of envelopes that mysteriously appear in their mailboxes with the exact amounts they need to pay fees, but just for this semester. And how they will trust God with the rest of the semesters.

If nothing else, seminary education has been a constant humbling experience for me, and it has been a journey of bringing my faith to yet another level, though I still continually fall short. But for the grace of God I am what I am :).

A Warrior is A Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

Chorus x2

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child