Preparing for the wedding is easy, from my point of view. It involves a lot of fun and an incredible amount of spending, both of which are always easy to do. Nowadays, it seems that the first question people ask me is, "How is the prep?" Sometimes I even stop and stare for awhile, wondering to myself, "Prep for what?" till I realise what they are referring to.
Of course, these are all really lovely & sweet well-meaning people, and there have been many offers to help, and Mark and I are overwhelmed by how blessed we are by the community around us. There is, however, a much deeper issue which I seem to be facing right now, which is "How prepared am I for marriage?" And that is much harder to answer because it does not involve what colour the linen should be at the banquet, or how much we should be spending on flowers, or how our wedding video is going to turn out.
I wrote the poem on surrender I just posted before this entry, in the midst of deep questioning. On the psychological scale of stressors, marriage is among the top 3. It involves a total decision to lay down one's rights and to put the other first. It involves swallowing one's pride and constantly admitting you have done something wrong, or simply do not know what to do any longer. It involves leaving one's family and people whom you have been with since you were born, to take that leap of faith into someone else's arms and life. Most of all, and that is where I often feel I struggle most, it involves having enough faith to know that the person you should be trusting is not your future spouse, but rather God. For in Him all things hold together. And He knows our akareeth (our end).
And so I continue to struggle. I feel the weakest I have probably felt in any one area of life. And I know that the growth in this period of my life will be the steepest, but also the deepest and the fastest. I know that God is anchoring me in Him alone.
And although I still tear when I think of how I will have to leave my family - those who know me know just how close I am to them - I am slowly coming to terms with the fact and facing all that it entails, with God and Mark by my side. Yes, I know God will have to come first, and then Mark. And then my family. And I know in time I will witness all that God has intended for marriage to be, as it was in Genesis in the Creation order. And I know I will experience what it means when God looked at the man and the woman, and said it was very good. And I know it is worth it, because when I think of Mark, I know there is no one else I would want to travel this difficult and yet extremely full journey with - though it can sometimes be painful, it is always very good.
Marriage was never meant just to make us happy, but to make us holy. - Gary Thomas "Sacred Marriage"
